five II 1/2

11:50

I look up to the sky and smile. Take a deep breath, inhale the air with all its particles whether of beauty or destruction. It’s a good thing I’ve brought a book to keep me company on the train. At least no one is going to talk to me, I haven’t been up for any conversation the last few days. Silence – is what I really enjoy, at least I can hear my thoughts clearly even though they give me a headache sometimes. I’ve made up my mind, I’m going to enjoy the small things.

Enjoy the moment. I thought to myself, is that even possible? How did we grow up so fast? Are grown-ups even able to enjoy the moment? Or do they just numb themselves and let go off of all the worries and duties for a bit.

I look at the railway display it says zero and immediately changes to delayed expected in two minutes. It doesn’t surprise me, and I’m not really in a hurry anyway. I still have my headphones on and my MP3 player battery is charged. It really startles me to see so many people, every single one of them holds an unfolding story. There’s a person with a suit and a suitcase, holding his Iphone 6s and hardly pays attention that he has crossed the yellow line, it’s there for a reason, one wrong turn and it could end his life. While, there’s a lonely old man, covered with a blanket to keep him warm in this chaotic change of weather. I wonder, did he even have a chance in this life to truly show his potential. Did he take the wrong turn that made him the way he is now? There’s this mother of twins holding them by their hands, one of the kids is quite vivacious, she hardly has a hold on him. I look at him, stare and smile. He looks back and starts laughing. How innocent kids are, I thought to myself. Who knows, what kind of future waits for him or his melancholic brother.

Tell me I will be released
Not sure I can deal with this
Up all night again this week
Breaking things that I should keep

The noise of an old steel vibrating hurts the ears in an eerie way. People gathering around making a shape in a form of a round. And somehow I’m not in the middle of that circle. I’m outside of it, patiently waiting to hop on the train. I look at the train approaching, the line that it forms in the speed of the light is fascinating, the sky as bright as ever, blue might after all be the warmest color. The surrounding mesmerizes me, or maybe the lyrics are the ones that mesmerized and numbed me for a bit.

12:20

I find myself in a crowded and unknown place. The architecture is outstanding and takes my breath away. Back in the days, people used to pay attention to details and would carve the structure of the building meticulously. It saddens me to see how we have progressed in technology but left aside the art of creating one of a kind structures. We would rather have a quantity than quality, nowadays.

Carpe diem. I thought to myself. I have not prepared for this city at all. I don’t want to be a tourist. Tourists are plain and obvious, with planned visits and short on time.  I want to be a traveler, to explore, to seize the day and enjoy.

five I

Friday

“…

Such sacrilegious deed,

When,

Thin is the skin when the string loosens,

And

Difficulties are mended as lust uplifts,

Still as a pebble, another pill is taken

Drunk as a fetus I salute to your nonsense…”

“Still as a pebble, another pill is taken.”

“Still as a pebble, another pill is taken.”

“Still as a pebble, another pill is taken.”

7:04 am

“How do you keep on living like this? When, you had everything in your hands yesterday, and today you barely even have the will to get out of the bed, how do we get ourselves so attached to other human beings that we lose ourselves once we lose them, to be more specific when they leave? Why does the soul need another soul to keep the heart pumping?”

I haven’t even woken up and I’m already stuck with thoughts like these hovering around me, making my head ache. I can hear my housemates in the living room. I honestly cannot even stand their voices, not today if that’s all I can say, not today. I beg of you to keep quiet. But I can keep on, I can survive this day. At least that’s what I tell myself. The room hasn’t been aired in a while. I look at the mirror hanging on the wall. The sunlight is making me even paler than I am. Something’s changed. On the other side of the room I can spot the black shirt and the jeans I’m supposed to wear today for the job’s interview.

10:06 am

Florence and the Machine playing on my headphones, I find myself surrounded in a crowded place. Why did I even come here? My mind keeps playing games with me. I can feel my face getting red.

“Hello!”, I heard someone behind me saying that greeting word. Okay, I tell to myself, it’s nothing bad I can do it. I just have to reply, like I’m not going to mess those words up. Right? I slightly turn around and look up there. His face looks shrugged and he’s bald. Damn it, I’m so scared of people without hair, like not even an inch, I can see their perfectly rounded skull. But the guy had so many scars on the upper back of his head, and it looked like the bones were molding up into small mountains, he didn’t really have a perfectly rounded head. I wonder what he’s been through. I look into his eyes and see nothing, usually the eyes are the storytellers of people’s lives. There’s so much beauty and terror in this world.

“Hi”, I said quietly. “Mmm, yeah, well. Hi. I’m here for today’s interview, I’m supposed to have it in less than 10 minutes, and I cannot seem to find the room where the interviewer is.”

He smiled, his teeth were yellow but lined up perfectly, and his left eye had a bit of a tremor.

“Oh, right. Go upstairs, she’s probably waiting for you. Anyway, we’ll be glad to have you in our crew.”

“Thanks, guess the feeling is mutual.” I smiled, and turned my back. As I took a step up, I thought to myself if I get the job I’d have to see that guy every day and the thought of that unnerved me.

11:27

The interview went pretty well, I thought to myself. How easy it is to say all those things that the interviewer wants to hear. It’s like music to their ears when you say those pseudo qualities that you can offer to them just to get hired. I even said I’m good with people. I burst with laughter.

“Hey kiddo! Watch yourself!” – I hear an angered old man’s voice and a car engine squeal.

I stopped myself. All those stranger’s eyes are pointed on me. I turn around and see a man who stopped his car so that I can just cross the road, I barely even noticed that it was red light, what was I thinking, I hurry up and lower my head put my headphones on, and my feet just give way on, the songs were playing all along:

“If you could just forgive yourself
But still you stumble, feet give way
Outside the world seems a violent place”

Such weird day, and I’m already late to catch the next train to the next city. I hurry up a bit. The weather is hotter than I’ve expected for it to be. Thank God, I wear t-shirt under the shirt. I hope it’s not going to rain later. It feels like all of the four seasons go through the day, pretty much the weather changes as my moods do.

“It’s just a phase you got to go through your life. Everyone’s been through it, it’s what makes you strong and prepared for the future. You just have to endure.”

I freeze. Can I just rewind my past and start all over again? Why do I give myself such a hard time? Why can’t I be happy like everyone else? I have my family. But then again, I feel like an utter stranger when I’m with them. I love them. They’ve raised me. I should be grateful to them for all the things they’ve offered me. And still, I hold a grudge when it comes to them. I should just let go off the past and move on. It’s a good thing I came here. Nobody knows me here, and I know nobody. Which is good.

“Hi, yeah can I get anytime day return ticket to Chester, please?”

“That would be 5.80 pounds, love.” I look at her and smile, it’s so nice that she’s back. I wonder how does she do that, to be so kind all the time. I go through my wallet to find a fiver and eighty pence, I don’t want to give the tenner I have. Good, I have six pounds, that would do. I hand over the money and take my ticket.