five I

Friday

“…

Such sacrilegious deed,

When,

Thin is the skin when the string loosens,

And

Difficulties are mended as lust uplifts,

Still as a pebble, another pill is taken

Drunk as a fetus I salute to your nonsense…”

“Still as a pebble, another pill is taken.”

“Still as a pebble, another pill is taken.”

“Still as a pebble, another pill is taken.”

7:04 am

“How do you keep on living like this? When, you had everything in your hands yesterday, and today you barely even have the will to get out of the bed, how do we get ourselves so attached to other human beings that we lose ourselves once we lose them, to be more specific when they leave? Why does the soul need another soul to keep the heart pumping?”

I haven’t even woken up and I’m already stuck with thoughts like these hovering around me, making my head ache. I can hear my housemates in the living room. I honestly cannot even stand their voices, not today if that’s all I can say, not today. I beg of you to keep quiet. But I can keep on, I can survive this day. At least that’s what I tell myself. The room hasn’t been aired in a while. I look at the mirror hanging on the wall. The sunlight is making me even paler than I am. Something’s changed. On the other side of the room I can spot the black shirt and the jeans I’m supposed to wear today for the job’s interview.

10:06 am

Florence and the Machine playing on my headphones, I find myself surrounded in a crowded place. Why did I even come here? My mind keeps playing games with me. I can feel my face getting red.

“Hello!”, I heard someone behind me saying that greeting word. Okay, I tell to myself, it’s nothing bad I can do it. I just have to reply, like I’m not going to mess those words up. Right? I slightly turn around and look up there. His face looks shrugged and he’s bald. Damn it, I’m so scared of people without hair, like not even an inch, I can see their perfectly rounded skull. But the guy had so many scars on the upper back of his head, and it looked like the bones were molding up into small mountains, he didn’t really have a perfectly rounded head. I wonder what he’s been through. I look into his eyes and see nothing, usually the eyes are the storytellers of people’s lives. There’s so much beauty and terror in this world.

“Hi”, I said quietly. “Mmm, yeah, well. Hi. I’m here for today’s interview, I’m supposed to have it in less than 10 minutes, and I cannot seem to find the room where the interviewer is.”

He smiled, his teeth were yellow but lined up perfectly, and his left eye had a bit of a tremor.

“Oh, right. Go upstairs, she’s probably waiting for you. Anyway, we’ll be glad to have you in our crew.”

“Thanks, guess the feeling is mutual.” I smiled, and turned my back. As I took a step up, I thought to myself if I get the job I’d have to see that guy every day and the thought of that unnerved me.

11:27

The interview went pretty well, I thought to myself. How easy it is to say all those things that the interviewer wants to hear. It’s like music to their ears when you say those pseudo qualities that you can offer to them just to get hired. I even said I’m good with people. I burst with laughter.

“Hey kiddo! Watch yourself!” – I hear an angered old man’s voice and a car engine squeal.

I stopped myself. All those stranger’s eyes are pointed on me. I turn around and see a man who stopped his car so that I can just cross the road, I barely even noticed that it was red light, what was I thinking, I hurry up and lower my head put my headphones on, and my feet just give way on, the songs were playing all along:

If you could just forgive yourself
But still you stumble, feet give way
Outside the world seems a violent place”

Such weird day, and I’m already late to catch the next train to the next city. I hurry up a bit. The weather is hotter than I’ve expected for it to be. Thank God, I wear t-shirt under the shirt. I hope it’s not going to rain later. It feels like all of the four seasons go through the day, pretty much the weather changes as my moods do.

“It’s just a phase you got to go through your life. Everyone’s been through it, it’s what makes you strong and prepared for the future. You just have to endure.”

I freeze. Can I just rewind my past and start all over again? Why do I give myself such a hard time? Why can’t I be happy like everyone else? I have my family. But then again, I feel like an utter stranger when I’m with them. I love them. They’ve raised me. I should be grateful to them for all the things they’ve offered me. And still, I hold a grudge when it comes to them. I should just let go off the past and move on. It’s a good thing I came here. Nobody knows me here, and I know nobody. Which is good.

“Hi, yeah can I get anytime day return ticket to Chester, please?”

“That would be 5.80 pounds, love.” I look at her and smile, it’s so nice that she’s back. I wonder how does she do that, to be so kind all the time. I go through my wallet to find a fiver and eighty pence, I don’t want to give the tenner I have. Good, I have six pounds, that would do. I hand over the money and take my ticket.

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